“I used to think I could shape the circumstances around me, but now I know Jesus uses circumstances to shape me”
-Bob Goff
I sat at my desk, halfway spinning my chair back and forth just far enough so that I could still stare at my computer screen. I typed, deleted, re-typed, deleted, as I drafted an article about the Virginia Horse Center. It's so funny to me that something that played such a significant role in my childhood is now creeping its way back into my life.
I thought that when I left for college, that chapter of my life had closed. I made peace with leaving the home-town riding experiences I had when I was younger and understood that it would never be the same. But as I sat there, I thought about my days as a younger rider. My early mornings, humid afternoons, and late nights spent at Hazelwild Farm. The friendships made, and broken, and mended. The lessons learned, the easy way and the hard way.
I thought that when I left for college, that chapter of my life had closed. I made peace with leaving the home-town riding experiences I had when I was younger and understood that it would never be the same. But as I sat there, I thought about my days as a younger rider. My early mornings, humid afternoons, and late nights spent at Hazelwild Farm. The friendships made, and broken, and mended. The lessons learned, the easy way and the hard way.
And I realized something.
A little bit of background - Throughout most of my riding as a kid, I never really felt good enough. Sometimes I was confident, sure, but I was never satisfied with my results, my progress, or where I was at compared to other people. In some ways I can say that it drove me to become the better rider and person that I am today. But in other ways, it tore me down. I was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausted. And I was no good at hiding it. I spent countless horse shows crying over how "poorly" I performed. Countless lessons being angry at myself for making a mistake. Countless days critiquing myself as I watched videos of my riding over, and over, and over again.
I now realize that all of that negativity was useless in the pursuit of my dreams. In times of frustration, I remind myself of how embarrassing some of those breakdowns were. I also try to remind myself that it isn't fair to bully my past. I was who I was, and I am who I am today because of it.
But then I thought, what exactly was my dream?
(Now to go off on a tangent for a significant part of this realization) The other week, I got to visit my very best friends at college, spending five days jammed packed with hanging out in Athens, going to my favorite spots, and just... being. I had the pleasure of staying on a twin-sized air mattress on the floor of Haley's room. One night, we were up late, chatting about life. And as I ranted on about all the things I was anxious about my future, she said something that really stuck with me.
"What is your dream?"
To which I replied, "You know what, I don't actually know."
And Haley said, "Maybe you should try writing them down. Then you can really focus on driving yourself towards what you want to do in life."
To which I replied, "You know what, I don't actually know."
And Haley said, "Maybe you should try writing them down. Then you can really focus on driving yourself towards what you want to do in life."
So that's what I'm doing now. As I sit at my desk, feeling nostalgic about my past, I tried to think about what my dreams actually were, and how it has affected my life, and what my dreams are today.
Obviously as a kid who rode horses, I wanted to win. I wanted to be the best, and it drove me to practice hard. But I also compared myself. I wanted to be better than others. I wanted the expensive horses. I wanted the name recognition, and I wanted it to come naturally. I longed to spend my life dedicated to riding and competing... and winning.
But what I never fully grasped was that my circumstances were different than everyone else. I was on my own path. And I guess I just had a false realization of what that path was, or could have been. I so wish that 10, 12, or 15 year-old Ally could see where I ended up today. That she could understand that winning isn't everything. Perfect rides, competitions, and horses, just don't exist. That she could realize all of that hard work would pay off. And that I could be okay with the fact that maybe my hard work wouldn't pay off instantly, in the way I had it planned in my head. That it wouldn't be instant gratification.
But that it would still be so gratifying.
But that it would still be so gratifying.
I sat, at my desk, realizing that maybe the reason I was never the wining rider, the rider that had it all, the rider that made it big, was so that I could end up here. Everything came full circle. I am still pursuing my passion, just with a different dream now. A dream to always include riding in my life, but in a new and exciting way.
And after seeing the side of horseback riding I had always dreamed to be a part of, I can honestly say that I am grateful for the experience that I got to have. I made great friends, I made a second family, I made memories, and I made strides in my life (pun intended).
I realize now that His plan for me was never to become that rider. That where I am now was bigger than any champion ribbon or expensive horse money could buy. And giving up one dream does not mean that there isn't something better right around the corner. It's all about being fearless in the pursuit of your passion, and being patient for your purpose to show it's face.
